was in his car. i asked if he his accomodation this weekend has been sorted. he burst out in anger… “why do i ask stupid questions?”

i replied, “i’m just asking out of concern.”

“so what if i’ve not sorted my accomodation??? is this your idea of not staying mute in the car? by asking STUPID questions???”

silence.

and i burst into tears… “why are you so angry?”

“got stuck on the road for so long and now i have to put up with this shit…”

i asked “are you able to forgive me? will you?”

“you EXPECT me to forgive? it’s not like you don’t know i won’t forgive”  

“i don’t expect… i just hope that you will..”  

i told him… in the car… at the multi level car park… that everything he has ever said hurts…

“it’s meant to hurt”

 ”everything you have said, stays with me…”

“i think of all you’ve said, and i think you’re right”

“i’m a fraud… i am evil inside…”

“when you asked me, ‘what good am i?’, i can’t think of anything…you’re right, i’m not worth anything…”

“i am your baggage…you feel obliged to stay with me…i really don’t want to be your baggage but i don’t know how not to be…”

“every single thing i do, or don’t do, pisses you off…i don’t know what to do anymore”

“whatever hope that i have of you forgiving me…is diminishing…”

“every day i think of the things you have said to me… it is a constant struggle to work…”     

“i do not want to be a burden to you… i have nothing to offer… if you can’t stand me anymore…if you don’t love me anymore…”

i broke again…

“i’m warning you now, don’t say anything you don’t mean”

he tried to calm me down… i was sobbing… 

after some time, he hugged me.. 

“i’m so sorry… no one should go through this”

“the watch costs 1.5k… the toy costs 300 bucks… i got them for you because you are worth it… because it makes you happy”  

after some time, i calmed down…

i felt a little better…

but i know that the words he said before has already done the damage. i believed all that he has said. i don’t know if i can recover from the effects of those words.

i am damaged. i still feel worthless.  

there is still so much that i should have said… how damaged i’ve become inside… smashed to a pulp with no more dignity left… no more self-worth, no more self-esteem…

and that all it takes is one more nasty comment to break me.

was scolded for wearing a white shirt which buttoned low. when i started saying that although the buttons start low, nothing can be seen when i’m in court, walking and sitting down. got scolded for trying to justify myself.

yesterday:

was told that my dressing is unprofessional. i wore peep toe shoes coz the blister on my right foot bled.

this morning:

i wore black slacks and a black turtleneck. was told i look like  a check out girl.

very minor but the comments made me uncomfortable. and a little unhappy.

every single f***ing thing you do f***ing annoy me!

he said last night…

“i am sure i can find someone better. i surely deserve someone better” 

“you are EVIL”

i know i should let him go…

but i can’t…

i can’t bear it… 

i wish i knew what to do…

“you’re like some baggage, cant even get rid of”

i am baggage… 

:’(

this is a new low…

who wants baggage?

i burst out crying…

i tried to control but i couldn’t.

i couldn’t sleep well.

this morning i texted him…

“it’s selfish of me to hang on to you like baggage…pls do whatever you feel best… discard if you cant take this baggage anymore…but if you still can, i’m here, and i love you so much…”   

he hasnt replied to that text…

i can’t work like this.

i fear i may lose my mind.  

I can’t recall exactly what was it that sparked it off.

But it was bad…

More harsh words. And silence.

And I went over to his room. He was not there. He was in his ex-colleague’s room.

I asked him what did he want.

He answered “you know what I want”

He has always wanted to break up. Always. Just that I kept holding on and refused to let him…

I cried my heart out.  

VIOLENTLY…

 somehow, much later, i calmed down.. he calmed me down… and dropped me home..  i couldnt eat again that night.   

there are times when i am happy and content.

yet at the same time i have this fear at the back of my mind, that all the happiness may just disappear, with no warning whatsoever.   

then i am happy again. blissfully happy. and the thought will come:

perhaps it’s all over now. i can be happy. no more unforgiveness, no more anger, no more fear.

and then it comes. swift and silent like a lightning that jolts every happy and peaceful thought off.  

my life feels like one giant tumbleweed, with entangled threads and wires, deeply and thoroughly meshed with no hope of unravelling. i am the tumbleweed, rolling down this self-destructive path, accumulating the debris of self-doubt and self-hate along the way, discarding the skeleton of self-worth and confidence that holds it together …

the tumbleweed tumbles, tossed in the wind…

what is a tumbleweed in a desert?

this is how i feel now. alienated from one whom i love, alienated myself and angered my friends who care.

why do i still feel like this?

isn’t there anything called the drying of tear ducts?

why are my tears still falling???????????????????   

i’ve hurt several guys in the past. guys who loved me more than i love them back. and things never work out. i’ve driven one to a near suicide. and he abandoned his tertiary studies halfway. i’ve driven another one away, very cruelly, and i left him because of him.  

it’s my turn now. loving him who loves me less now. and i’m not even sure if he’s started to hate me now.

things took a turn last night when he said he could have his pick of any girls who love him. there are a few, but i do not know who.

he asked me, “what good are you?” and continued “not that i can even have sex with you”

i was stumped.

i couldnt answer the question. except to say that i love him. i do, passionately.

“it doesn’t mean anything”

“why should i even stay on with you?”

“why do u want to stick around? i might dump you in the future”

it stung.

it stayed with me.  

when i said i have realised how much i love him,

“i don’t love you that much anymore” 

it stung.

it stayed with me.  

i made a promise to myself. if things don’t work out between us, i will never get involved again. i don’t have the strength to recover from this.  

it’s Good Friday today. am reflecting. how could such a God still accept someone so undeserving like me? how could such a God die for someone like me???

lost weight. feeling weak. and emotionally unstable.  

quality of work is suffering.

running around everywhere is tiring.

being professional is draining.

caught in the rain for a bit just now. might as well fall sick and never be well, ever again. better still, be knocked down by a truck and be hospitalised.

am so cold now.

if only there are answers…